Almost Time To Say Goodbye Again

The summer is approaching to an end and my time being in Brighton Language College as well.

For some reason, I feel that I’m an angel sent from above to help this school to survive this summer’s explosion. Of course, all the fixed-term-contract employees here were “summoned" to help this school deal with all issues derived from overcapacity, but I feel I’m here because I “have to" be here to keep them on track.

I remember that I was in France having my retreat when I suffered a panic attack suddenly after waking up one day. I’d spent the whole day trying to relax and calm myself by meditating, reading, writing, dancing, singing, and every possible action, but in vein. In the end, I started to do a tarot reading for myself desperately intending to find out the reason of my anxiety.

To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing; one question after another, digging deeper and deeper, and in the end I’d got a weird conclusion that I had to come back to the UK immediately and look for a job again before the end of April.

So, I came back, submitted my CV, got an interview in two days, and then got this three-month job after two weeks.

Three months have passed quickly, and the crucial truth had been revealed yesterday. My contract won’t be extended, though I’ll be coming back for two weeks for LCMS training reason after my trip to Spain.

I had learnt this news last week, and had been through the down moments already; however I still felt a bit bitter when reading the printed information on the email. I don’t want to let go yet.

It’s not hard to guess why I’m not on “the winner list”. My main task is maintaining an old system, which is an inevitable pain for the school. The work result is invisible to most of the staff and has no direct contribution to the school; plus, I’m not located in the main building and so I have less time to interact with other colleagues; moreover, my job can only be done on a specific computer, so I can’t walk around chatting with my colleagues even if I want. For them, I’m somebody somewhere over there, but no one really gets what I’m doing.

Therefore, it’s a result of natural selection; cruel and disappointing, but that’s the way it is.

I was then offered to come back after my holidays for two weeks to train the next “victim" for the system and “clean the dust" that will be accumulated when I’m away, and then I’ll be let go again. I felt a bit insulted; not only because being used as a disposable tool, but the fact they didn’t even know how to use me properly!

I didn’t want to be a victim complaining not being seen what I have done and what I’m capable of, so I proposed to them actively what I’d like to do and what I could do if I were to come back for two weeks only. There are many more things I, and only I because of my technical background, could do to make effective contributions to this school than mere data entry. The proposal satisfied the needs from both sides, and so the deal was settled.

I feel I was summoned here at this stage for certain purpose; now since the purpose has been served (almost), it’s time to let go…for both them and me.

However, maybe it’s not the end yet. Although everything seems coming to an end, I feel I’m still in the middle of some flow rather than at the end of a phase. Not feeling like planning the next stage of my life as usual, I step on each present moment steadily instead.

There’s a great uncertainty ahead of me, yet I feel peaceful and stable. I don’t know why, but let’s just follow my heart and see what’s going to happen next 🙂

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