Can’t remember since when there must be an important event in my life falling in late April or early May every year. The first time someone told me he liked me, the first time I told someone I liked him, decease of my father, and my last two resignations for coming to Europe all happened at this time of the year. The event this year was the most dramatic one by far since it divided my life into two halves, and to be honest…I can barely remember anything before this July.
I found myself obtained the qualification of YMS visa for the UK this time last year, 29/12 to be exact, and it was the mixture of joy and misery. For the next three months, I was on the horns of a dilemma that whether I should stay in a stable environment while knowing that there will be nothing new in my life, or I should rush into an unknown future while running the risk of losing my youth and money in exchange for nothing.
However, I decided to set a date and got on the airplane to Europe without further hesitation right after realizing that a guy I had feelings for turned out to be in a stable relationship already.
之後的事情發生的很快，才來一個月感覺已經像來了三個月，當三個月語言學校期滿，覺得自己好像已經在Brighton待了一年…每天的日子過的是如此充實，認識新的人、摸索新的環境、每日展開新的迷你探險、嘗試新的事物，經過了那麼多年的彈性疲乏，我終於又再次像海綿一樣，不斷的吸收、不斷的反芻、再不斷的分享。Time flew fast next. I felt I had already been staying here for almost one year after I completed my courses in the language school for 10 weeks. Everyday was so colorful and fulfilled; making new friends, exploring new environments, launching new mini-adventure everyday, and trying new things. Finally, I could absorb something new and novel like a sponge again after years of being fed up. In time, I started a circle of absorption, internalization, and sharing (via my blog).
It seemed that I had been having a good time here, but that was not entirely true. Despite the firm decision, I had never stopped questioning myself even after I boarded. Furthermore, none of my friends, whether rational or spiritual ones, was convinced that this was the right path for me. Nevertheless, they all gave me their blessings since I always do what I want to do. Deep down, I knew this decision was made out of evading something rather than pursuing something. But this was my only chance to escape from the foreseeable future that there will be no “future" for me staying there.
Only little people knew that I was so panic, confused, sad, and lonely during my week trip before coming to Brighton. Behind my big smile on the photos, there was me questioning myself what was wrong with me choosing this unknown, risky and drifting life over a safe, stable, not-so-bad life. I missed Taiwan and my family so bad everyday during that week.
However, my heart settled the moment I got on the train to Brighton. It was like I was really heading home. Since then, I stopped questioning about this reckless decision.
Although it has only been almost half a year, many domains of my life, except for job and money, have leveled up. My first kiss, my first snow angel, my first Magnified Healing workshop, the first time someone paid for my handicrafts/tarot reading, having friends from all over the world, couchsurfing, experiencing traditional Halloween and Christmas atmosphere, and several romantic encounters.
然而，這半年真正帶給我的禮物卻是 “接納自己"。我很有能力，過去不管是別人或我都是常用能力來界定 “我"；於是總能在學業或工作上有所表現的我，對自己的評價一直不低，直到來到這邊…我沒有工作，也找不到工作，更別說我過去的工作經歷在這邊一點屁用都沒有，於是我被迫歸零，甚至可能是負數等級。
However, the true gift I received from the life here is the acceptance of myself. I’m capable of doing many things, which resulted that (I thought) I was defined by my capability. I had built my confidence on my great academic or job performance, until now. I’m jobless, and couldn’t find a job, let alone my past experience which has no use here. So I was forced to be reset, maybe even to a degree less than zero.
I could at least appreciate myself for the performance in class when I was still in the language school for the first 3 months. Then I tried to develop a career from my beloved handicraft making, and had made a variety of works to attract people’s attention so I could acknowledge myself as well. However, this compelling enthusiasm consumed my passion for handicrafts little by little instead. In the end, all I wanted was to find a job, even that meant I had to move to London, which I dislike. For me, finding a job or not was the indicator of grading myself and my decision to the UK.
Couldn’t bear the thought of denying all myself, and even my value of living in this world, I distracted my attention by planning a Christmas theme trip, which I thought was one of the least things could still make me happy. Similar emotion arose when I got on the train to the airport; I’d rather go back home and stay in my not-so-cozy room than go to the snowy and freezing Europe. But I got on the plane anyway, and met my couchsurfing hosts. Then beyond my expectation, the invisible burden crushing my heart before the trip was somehow dissolved by the magical snow in Europe.
I’m back now, still broke and jobless, but “finding a job" is not the indicator of judging how well my life in the UK is anymore. I had found and experienced something more valuable in my trip, and hence, I felt my mission to the UK has been completed. I couldn’t ask for anything more…even the end of the world did come; I considered that from my heart.
現在的我，充滿感恩，充滿喜樂；在台灣，我曾短暫的跟好姊妹一起合作project、見識官場現形記、享受好友們的歡送，在英國，我曾經跟很契合的host mother一起住了四個半月，還定時的與大自然有個約會、曾經在短短兩天內經歷愛、被愛與背叛、現在擁有不同領域不同國籍的好朋友們、每天與兩個可愛的小女孩玩在一起生活著、還有因為旅行後而增添更多未知數的未來。 What a life ! What a year! 經歷體驗了這些，叫我怎麼能不感恩並知足於發生在我身上的一切呢?
I’m filled with gratitude and joy now. Back in Taiwan, I had worked on a project with my best friend/coworker Cuteco for a while, had witnessed the inconvenient truth when people scrambled for power and fame, and had enjoyed countless farewell parties from my beloved friends. In the UK, I had lived with Emma, my previous host mother, who I clicked with, for 4 and a half months, had a regular “date" with Mother Nature, had experienced the emotion of being liked, liking someone, and being betrayed in two days. And now, I have many friends from different countries in my different life areas, fun life living with two lovely little girls, and a future full of even more uncertainty after the trip. What a life! What a year! How can I not appreciate and feel content with everything that had ever happened to me?
If there’s one thing I can say to the upcoming year 2013, it will be “I embrace all that is and will be brought to me wholeheartedly."
Here I come, 2013 🙂