What A Year ~ 2012 Review

不知道從什麼時候開始,我發現每年的四月底五月初都會是我人生的轉捩點,生平第一次被告白、生平第一次告白、父親過世、兩次為了來歐洲提出離職全都發生在過去這些年的四五月,而且越玩越大,這次更乾脆把今年拆成兩半,老實說…七月以前的事情對我來說都好像兒時回憶了。
Can’t remember since when there must be an important event in my life falling in late April or early May every year. The first time someone told me he liked me, the first time I told someone I liked him, decease of my father, and my last two resignations for coming to Europe all happened at this time of the year. The event this year was the most dramatic one by far since it divided my life into two halves, and to be honest…I can barely remember anything before this July.

去年的這個時後,正確的來說是12/29,發現自己抽中了YMS的籤,很高興,卻也很擔憂,往後花了三個多月每天搖擺不定,到底是要留在明知不會有什麼人生轉機的安穩環境,還是衝動的踏入未知,最後可能落得人財兩失的困境?
I found myself obtained the qualification of YMS visa for the UK this time last year, 29/12 to be exact, and it was the mixture of joy and misery. For the next three months, I was on the horns of a dilemma that whether I should stay in a stable environment while knowing that there will be nothing new in my life, or I should rush into an unknown future while running the risk of losing my youth and money in exchange for nothing.

因為一次發現有意思的對象已經有穩定交往的女友,當下決定壯士斷腕,設定了一個日期,就頭也不回的搭上飛機來到英國。
However, I decided to set a date and got on the airplane to Europe without further hesitation right after realizing that a guy I had feelings for turned out to be in a stable relationship already.


之後的事情發生的很快,才來一個月感覺已經像來了三個月,當三個月語言學校期滿,覺得自己好像已經在Brighton待了一年…每天的日子過的是如此充實,認識新的人、摸索新的環境、每日展開新的迷你探險、嘗試新的事物,經過了那麼多年的彈性疲乏,我終於又再次像海綿一樣,不斷的吸收、不斷的反芻、再不斷的分享。Time flew fast next. I felt I had already been staying here for almost one year after I completed my courses in the language school for 10 weeks. Everyday was so colorful and fulfilled; making new friends, exploring new environments, launching new mini-adventure everyday, and trying new things. Finally, I could absorb something new and novel like a sponge again after years of being fed up. In time, I started a circle of absorption, internalization, and sharing (via my blog).

看似日子過得很輕鬆愉快,但心路歷程也是很曲折。來英國前,甚至到上飛機的那一刻,我都還不知道自己該不該來…不論是理性的朋友或是靈性的朋友一致不覺得這是我該走的路…但一向任性如我,他們也只能給予我祝福…我心知肚明此舉是逃避,逃離沒有未來的環境,卻也是我的唯一生機。
It seemed that I had been having a good time here, but that was not entirely true. Despite the firm decision, I had never stopped questioning myself even after I boarded. Furthermore, none of my friends, whether rational or spiritual ones, was convinced that this was the right path for me. Nevertheless, they all gave me their blessings since I always do what I want to do. Deep down, I knew this decision was made out of evading something rather than pursuing something. But this was my only chance to escape from the foreseeable future that there will be no “future" for me staying there.

來Brighton前,我在荷比盧德玩了一個禮拜,大家每天看我po著笑容燦爛的照片,卻沒人知道我心中有多麼惶恐不安,每天都在想著自己幹嘛沒事找事做,隻身來到陌生的國度;那幾天每天都好想家…這對去年來歐洲玩一個月還樂不思蜀的我簡直不可思議。
Only little people knew that I was so panic, confused, sad, and lonely during my week trip before coming to Brighton. Behind my big smile on the photos, there was me questioning myself what was wrong with me choosing this unknown, risky and drifting life over a safe, stable, not-so-bad life. I missed Taiwan and my family so bad everyday during that week.

然而,就在坐上前往Brighton的火車的那一刻,我的心安了,就好像真的準備回家一樣…於是,此後我不再懷疑這項不顧一切的決定。
However, my heart settled the moment I got on the train to Brighton. It was like I was really heading home. Since then, I stopped questioning about this reckless decision.


短短半年,發生了好多人生中的大事,除了工作與錢財之外的進度都大大躍進,初吻、初雪、首次開擴大療癒法慶典工作坊、首次有人付錢買我的手工藝品、結識來自世界各地的朋友、沙發衝浪、體驗道地的萬聖節還有聖誕節,當然還有晚了30年但突然一直開的桃花(半年內3.5次,不管是頻率或次數都破記錄了!)~
Although it has only been almost half a year, many domains of my life, except for job and money, have leveled up. My first kiss, my first snow angel, my first Magnified Healing workshop, the first time someone paid for my handicrafts/tarot reading, having friends from all over the world, couchsurfing, experiencing traditional Halloween and Christmas atmosphere, and several romantic encounters.

然而,這半年真正帶給我的禮物卻是 “接納自己"。我很有能力,過去不管是別人或我都是常用能力來界定 “我";於是總能在學業或工作上有所表現的我,對自己的評價一直不低,直到來到這邊…我沒有工作,也找不到工作,更別說我過去的工作經歷在這邊一點屁用都沒有,於是我被迫歸零,甚至可能是負數等級。
However, the true gift I received from the life here is the acceptance of myself. I’m capable of doing many things, which resulted that (I thought) I was defined by my capability. I had built my confidence on my great academic or job performance, until now. I’m jobless, and couldn’t find a job, let alone my past experience which has no use here. So I was forced to be reset, maybe even to a degree less than zero.

前三個月我有語言學校加持,至少可以藉著在課堂上的表現肯定自己,之後嘗試朝手工藝發展,不斷的產出作品以期獲得自己跟別人的肯定,但這種逼迫終究將自己對手工藝的熱情一點一滴的消耗;最後開始認命的想到倫敦,只求能找到工作就好…對那時候的我來說,能否找到工作已經成為評斷我這個人價值與這趟英國行的指標。
I could at least appreciate myself for the performance in class when I was still in the language school for the first 3 months. Then I tried to develop a career from my beloved handicraft making, and had made a variety of works to attract people’s attention so I could acknowledge myself as well. However, this compelling enthusiasm consumed my passion for handicrafts little by little instead. In the end, all I wanted was to find a job, even that meant I had to move to London, which I dislike. For me, finding a job or not was the indicator of grading myself and my decision to the UK.


在否定自己到極致的狀況下(就是連自己生存在這世上的價值都找不到),我分散自己的注意力,孤注一擲的計畫唯一還有可能讓我高興的聖誕市集之旅;跟半年前到歐洲玩一樣,在前往機場的火車上我根本一點都不想去…寧願在家睡大頭覺…但總之我還是搭上飛機,見到了沙發主們,然後做夢也沒想到…我心中的重擔就如此被歐洲的大雪洗去了!
Couldn’t bear the thought of denying all myself, and even my value of living in this world, I distracted my attention by planning a Christmas theme trip, which I thought was one of the least things could still make me happy.  Similar emotion arose when I got on the train to the airport; I’d rather go back home and stay in my not-so-cozy room than go to the snowy and freezing Europe. But I got on the plane anyway, and met my couchsurfing hosts. Then beyond my expectation, the invisible burden crushing my heart before the trip was somehow dissolved by the magical snow in Europe.

回來後,我依然缺錢,依然找不到工作,卻已經不再把找到工作與否當成我這趟英國旅居是否成功的指標…一來是發現自己不給自己壓力後輕鬆快樂好多,二來是在旅途中,我發現自己已經得到獨一無二的人生經驗,到此…我覺得自己在英國的任務已經功德圓滿,沒什麼好掛念或奢求的了。在 “世界末日"的前夕,我由衷的想著,就算世界真的滅亡,我也沒什麼遺憾了。
I’m back now, still broke and jobless, but “finding a job" is not the indicator of judging how well my life in the UK is anymore. I had found and experienced something more valuable in my trip, and hence, I felt my mission to the UK has been completed. I couldn’t ask for anything more…even the end of the world did come; I considered that from my heart.

現在的我,充滿感恩,充滿喜樂;在台灣,我曾短暫的跟好姊妹一起合作project、見識官場現形記、享受好友們的歡送,在英國,我曾經跟很契合的host mother一起住了四個半月,還定時的與大自然有個約會、曾經在短短兩天內經歷愛、被愛與背叛、現在擁有不同領域不同國籍的好朋友們、每天與兩個可愛的小女孩玩在一起生活著、還有因為旅行後而增添更多未知數的未來。 What a life ! What a year! 經歷體驗了這些,叫我怎麼能不感恩並知足於發生在我身上的一切呢?
I’m filled with gratitude and joy now. Back in Taiwan, I had worked on a project with my best friend/coworker Cuteco for a while, had witnessed the inconvenient truth when people scrambled for power and fame, and had enjoyed countless farewell parties from my beloved friends. In the UK, I had lived with Emma, my previous host mother, who I clicked with, for 4 and a half months, had a regular “date" with Mother Nature, had experienced the emotion of being liked, liking someone, and being betrayed in two days. And now, I have many friends from different countries in my different life areas, fun life living with two lovely little girls, and a future full of even more uncertainty after the trip. What a life! What a year! How can I not appreciate and feel content with everything that had ever happened to me?

對於2013年,我唯一想說的,就是我全然的擁抱宇宙所帶給我的一切🙂
If there’s one thing I can say to the upcoming year 2013, it will be “I embrace all that is and will be brought to me wholeheartedly."

Here I come, 2013🙂

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